Have you ever spent time with friends and then come home and wondered to yourself, what happened ? How come I found myself acting like that ? Who was in the room and what was I silently hearing from them ? No ? Oh! Well, I don’t recommend it, especially not if you have been fine tuned by life to pick up judgement! And especially not if your coping mechanism is a storm of self recrimination, self loathing and shame. Attacks can last days sometimes weeks and if you don’t experience any of these, there is no way I can describe the intense and struggle and fear. I have been trying to work this pattern out for ever and I finally think I have a label for it, judgement. This is how I react to intense judgement!
My strategy is to avoid these situations like the plague, which means avoiding people I am afraid only these days I have been noticing that it is easy for me to be with some people and that I don’t live through a shame storm afterwards. What makes them different ? How do they show up without judging ?
This year I have been exploring how to deeply shift my energy, so that I don’t show up in a way that triggers people’s darker patterns. It’s an interesting ride and like it or not, I have learnt that how I react in spaces mostly reflects something about how I am showing up – which has left me wondering, how much judgement am I carrying ? Am I sitting with deep judgement about myself and others and how things should be that is leaving this taint on the people I adore ? Could I be doing this unknowingly to others ?
I kinda know the answer is yes! Which is where it gets interesting….do I fall into the pit of self recrimination and shame and self-loathing or do I sit here and practice with all my might being in and with love ? Yes, I do practice choosing emotions! I have finally learnt that I don’t have to live in the emotions that I have carried all my life, that I can generate different emotions if I choose to. It is just a battle to replace old, long worne in emotions with new ones and some days it just doesn’t seem worth it.
I guess I am asking the wrong question here, can I imagine showing up like those rare people where you can be foolish and yet feel noble and awesome ? How awesome would that be ?
What would it be like to live without judgement ?
Now the question is, do I post this on my blog when I judge it to not be professional and so not of interest to all the professionals out there ?
How are your judgements about yourself getting in the way ?

Ps, if you are wondering, I fooled my judgement by just posting quickly so that I couldn’t over think it! Now to distract myself for the rest of the day 😁